I changed my mind about SLEEP TRAINING methods … (and eliminated bedtime battles)

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If you’re a parent of a two to six-year-old, you know that bedtime can be one of the toughest parts of the day. My name is Katie McCann, and as a parenting coach, I’ve helped families just like yours work through the common struggles of sleep and challenging behaviour. You might have come across the term “sleep training” before, and like many parents, you may have mixed feelings or lots of questions about what it really means and how it works.

Sleep training methods cover a lot more than strict routines or letting your child cry alone. Over time, I’ve learnt that bedtime battles aren’t just about the practical steps or routines you try. They also have a lot to do with your child’s sense of safety and the comfort they feel from your presence. Understanding both the science and emotions behind bedtime can truly help turn evenings into a calmer time for your whole family.

Key Takeaways

• Bedtime struggles often go deeper than just routines or tiredness
• Children need both strong routines and a sense of emotional safety at night
• There are simple, gentle comfort strategies that really do help

What Is Sleep Training?

Common Myths and Misconceptions

A lot of people think sleep training is only about letting your baby cry alone in a dark room. This idea can be scary and may put you off even considering it. But that’s not the whole story.

Many parents imagine sleep training is all about rules and strict routines, but for most, it’s about helping children feel comfortable and secure at bedtime. It isn’t just following a formula—it’s a mix of science and understanding your own child’s needs. Sleep training is about more than just teaching your baby to settle themselves; it also relates to how your child feels about separation and safety.

Here’s a quick list of things that are often misunderstood:

• Sleep training is only “cry it out.”
• It means abandoning or ignoring your child.
• There’s one single correct method.
• If your baby doesn’t sleep, you’re doing something wrong.

Just remember, sleep training is not about “tough love” but about support and connection. You aren’t expected to leave your baby alone or ignore their needs.

If you want some more hands on help with parenting, or are keen to learn more about Intentional Parenting and how it can help your family, head over to my course: Empowered Parent Blueprint.

Varied Approaches and Popular Sleep Training Methods

Sleep training includes a wide range of methods and routines. There isn’t just one way to do it, and every family is different. Some of the well-known methods include:

Parents often use phrases like “put them down drowsy but awake” or talk about wake windows. These are just techniques to help match your routine with your child’s biology.

Some helpful tips you might use:

• Create a bedtime routine (bath, story, cuddles).
• Keep the room dark, cool, and quiet (think blackout curtains, white noise).
• Be consistent—babies learn best when things are predictable.

At its core, sleep training is about creating the right environment for sleep and helping your child feel safe enough to rest. Each family’s journey looks a bit different, and that’s completely normal.

Understanding The Science Behind Baby Sleep

Biological Rhythms and Sleep Cycles

Babies have much shorter sleep cycles than adults. Your baby will naturally wake more often during the night because their sleep cycle is lighter and they spend less time in deep sleep. These cycles are a normal part of development, not a sign something is wrong.

Getting the timing right for naps, called “wake windows,” helps a lot. Both over-tired and under-tired babies struggle to settle. A simple table below breaks down typical wake windows by age:

Shorter cycles mean more chances for your baby to need help settling. Remember, this is all normal and part of how little ones learn to sleep.

The Role Of Sleep Hygiene

Consistent bedtime routines are key. Doing the same steps in the same order each night—like bath, pyjamas, story, bed—helps your baby know what to expect. This transition signals to their brains that it’s time to wind down.

Environmental factors, such as a cool, dark room with white noise or soft music, also help a lot. Using blackout curtains can keep the room dark, making it easier for your baby to rest.

Here’s a simple sleep hygiene checklist:

• Keep bedtime consistent
• Use blackout curtains
• Try white noise
• Keep the room cool (about 18°C–20°C)
• Limit loud noises and bright lights

Importance Of Routines and Environmental Cues

Routines and clear environmental cues are like gentle reminders to your baby’s brain that it’s time for sleep. Cues can be as simple as a special bedtime phrase, a cuddly toy, or a short song.

These little rituals build trust and signal safety. Over time, your baby will start to associate these cues with sleep and feel calmer at bedtime.

It’s not about following a strict rule book. It’s about building consistency and helping your baby feel secure enough to drift off.

The Real Heart Of Bedtime Battles

Emotional Safety And Connection

When you’re dealing with bedtime battles, it’s easy to get caught up in routines and sleep science. But really, your child is often asking for something much simpler—emotional safety. Sleep means separation, and for many children, it triggers a deep need to feel connected to you, even when you aren’t physically next to them.

A little tip: using comforting phrases like “You’re safe,” or “I’m always nearby” really does make a difference. These words help your child feel calmer and trust that you’re still there for them, even when the lights go out.

Try this bedtime ritual table:

Separation Anxiety Explained

Separation anxiety is a normal stage in your child’s development. At bedtime, they’re left alone in the dark. Since their brains are still growing, they can’t always remember that you’re right down the hall. To them, out of sight really does feel like gone forever.

It’s all part of how their mind works at this age—a mix of strong emotions and an urge for safety. That’s why sometimes your child might ask to have something of yours to sleep with, like a jumper or scarf. They’re looking for comfort and a reminder of your presence.

List of common signs of separation anxiety at bedtime:

• Asking for extra hugs or kisses
• Wanting a parent to stay in the room longer
• Trouble settling down, even with routines

The Need For Parental Reassurance

Children need to know you’re still there, even when you leave the room. This need for reassurance isn’t just for babies. As your child grows, what comforts them might change, but the need itself doesn’t disappear. It’s almost instinctive—just like adults, children sleep best when they feel safe.

Think of parental reassurance as a bridge. It carries your child from being wide awake and needing you close, to feeling relaxed enough to drift off on their own. Even simple words or objects can help.

Comfort ideas:

• Tell your child, “I’m just in the next room.”
• Let them keep a small belonging of yours nearby.
• Repeat a gentle phrase every night, like, “You are safe, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

Sometimes, what looks like resistance is really just a search for comfort and connection. Your steady presence and simple words can go a long way.

Transforming Your Approach To Bedtime Resistance

Recognising Signals Of Disconnection

Sometimes, bedtime resistance isn’t just about routines. It’s your child asking, “Am I safe? Will you still be here when I wake up?” For a young child, bedtime can feel like a huge act of separation.

Common signals of disconnection at bedtime:

• Asking for “one more hug” or wanting you close
• Difficulty settling even with proper routines
• Asking to sleep with something of yours (like a scarf or jumper)
• Seeming anxious or upset after you leave the room

This need for connection doesn’t disappear as they get older. It often just changes shape. Even kids long past needing to be held might still ask for something that reminds them of you at bedtime.

Why Comfort And Reassurance Matter

Children look to you to feel safe when they’re about to fall asleep. Their brains aren’t wired yet to fully reassure themselves or understand that you’re just down the hall.

Simple ways to offer comfort and reassurance:

A little reassurance goes a long way. You might feel ready for peace and quiet, but your closeness is what helps your child’s brain relax. Kids aren’t trying to be difficult—they’re trying to feel safe.

Remember, connection is just as important as routine. Even a short, calm moment of eye contact, a cuddle, or a few repeated words can make a difference.

Practical Comfort Strategies For Parents

Using Calming Bedtime Phrases

Repeating gentle words at bedtime can help your child feel secure. Simple phrases like “You’re safe“, “I’m always nearby“, or “I’m just in the next room” can make a big difference. Kids often need to hear these words many times because letting them know you are close builds trust.

You could use a short list of comforting phrases:

• “I’m right here.”
• “You’re safe and cosy.”
• “I’ll see you in the morning.”

It’s perfectly normal if you find yourself saying these on repeat. Reassurance works best when it’s consistent.

Creating A Connection-Rich Ritual

A special bedtime ritual can turn the end of the day into a peaceful, connected moment. This could be a favourite lullaby, a sweet story, or a bedtime mantra you say together. The key is picking something that signals connection and safety.

For example, you might use a mantra like
“Riley is safe, Riley is cosy, Riley will sleep and Mummy will always be here in the morning.”

You can also create a routine table like this for reference:

Let your ritual grow as your child grows. What matters most is the feeling of closeness it gives.

Honouring Ongoing Reassurance Needs

Children’s needs for comfort and reassurance change as they get older, but they never fully disappear. Sometimes, even older kids will ask for something of yours—a soft jumper or a scarf—to keep at bedtime. This is still their way of feeling close to you, and it’s completely normal.

Listen when your child asks for extra reassurance, even if it’s just a big hug or a reminder that you’re not far away. Remember, needing comfort at bedtime isn’t a sign of weakness or “bad behaviour”. Everyone, even adults, wants to feel safe before drifting off to sleep. Try to hold space for their needs and give a little extra comfort when you can.

Embracing The Evolving Needs Of Growing Children

The Shifting Nature Of Security

Your child’s need for security doesn’t stay the same as they grow—it changes, but it never really goes away. When they’re tiny, bedtime is the ultimate act of being apart. For them, out of sight really can feel like you’re gone forever.

This is where separation anxiety comes in. It’s totally normal and linked to brain chemicals like norepinephrine and serotonin, which affect their mood and stress. Even all the perfect routines—like blackout curtains and sleep schedules—can’t erase the deep-down question in their little minds: Am I safe? Will you still be here when I wake up?

You might notice your child wanting to sleep with something that smells like you, or clinging to a scarf or jumper at bedtime. This isn’t just about comfort—it’s about feeling close. Their need to feel secure just shifts shape as they get older.

Key signs your child is seeking security at bedtime:

• Asking for something of yours to sleep with
• Repeating questions about where you’ll be
• Resisting bedtime or feeling anxious

Parental Presence Beyond Infancy

Your presence matters long after your baby days are done. Children’s longing for closeness doesn’t end when they outgrow newborn cuddles and soft toys.

Even as your child grows, they still ask for reminders that you’re there. Sometimes, they want to hear simple words like, “You’re safe. I’m just in the next room.” Other times, they might request a bedtime ritual—a favourite story, a special song, or a gentle mantra.

Try using comforting phrases every night, like:

• “You’re safe, I’m always nearby.”
• “I’ll be here in the morning.”

A little repetition builds trust. Bedtime rituals could include:

It’s not about never leaving their side—it’s about helping them feel your love and safety, even when you’re just down the hall.