STOP forcing your child to share. Do THIS instead (Parents guide to teaching sharing)

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Hi, I’m Katie McCann, a parenting coach, and I help with young kids’ behaviour, especially those aged two to six. Teaching sharing sounds easy, but honestly, it can be one of the trickiest things to handle as a parent. You want your child to be kind and generous, but you also want them to feel safe and know it’s okay to have boundaries.

Lots of parents worry about whether they’re raising a selfish child or when to step in during playdates. The truth is, sharing isn’t just about toys. It’s about building real-life skills like patience, kindness, and respecting everyone’s feelings. In this article, I’ll walk you through the simple ways you can guide your child to become generous and thoughtful over time, without forcing it.

If you want some more hands on help with parenting, or are keen to learn more about Intentional Parenting and how it can help your family, head over to my course: Empowered Parent Blueprint.

Key Takeaways

• Teaching sharing means helping kids grow skills, not just handing things over.
• Kids need to feel safe and respected for generosity to develop.
• Your support and example set the tone for future kindness.

The Real Meaning Of Sharing

Why Teaching Sharing Is More Than Just Toys

You may think sharing is all about toys, but it’s so much bigger than that. It’s about learning kindness, patience, and how to include others, while still standing up for what you need. Sharing gives your child the chance to practise:

• Taking turns
• Respecting others’ feelings
• Waiting patiently

Young children are wired to hold on to things. Having a sense of ownership helps them feel safe and in control. When you grab a toy from your child and say, “We need to share,” it actually teaches them that their needs come second. Instead, try phrases like “You can have it when I’m done.” This sets a tone of respect and choice, not pressure. Kindness grows best when it comes from real willingness, not adult-imposed rules.

The Role Of Boundaries And Respect

Sharing doesn’t mean your child has to hand over their things just because someone asks. It’s okay for your child to have boundaries. Letting them say, “I’m not ready yet,” helps them feel secure and teaches them that everyone’s feelings matter—including their own.

Setting expectations ahead of time, especially for special toys or gifts, makes a big difference. You might say, “This is your special new toy, and it’s okay if you don’t want to share it yet.” That way, your child isn’t caught off guard.

Key ways to support boundaries while teaching sharing:

• Model sharing and explain your feelings out loud (“I’m finished, so you can have a turn.”)
• Acknowledge waiting is tough (“It’s hard to wait, I know.”)
• Step in gently if things get heated, but let your child try using their own words first

When you respect your child’s boundaries, you’re building trust and helping them learn real generosity. Sharing isn’t about giving up what’s yours to keep others happy, but learning how to balance your needs with kindness towards others.

Common Misconceptions About Sharing

Why Forcing Sharing Backfires

Let’s be honest—forcing your child to share doesn’t actually teach kindness. It only shows them that adults might override their needs. Imagine how you’d feel if someone took something from you just because they asked. Kids are wired to want their own things; it helps them feel in control.

When you insist your child has to hand over a toy right away, it can actually backfire. Instead of learning generosity, kids might feel resentful or start hoarding their toys. Here’s what often happens:

• Compliance, not kindness: Kids learn to obey but not to care.
• Mixed-up boundaries: They think their needs don’t matter as much as others’.
• Fear of losing things: Sometimes, kids avoid playing with favourite toys so they aren’t taken away.

The Problem With Adult-Enforced Sharing

How many times have you found yourself saying, “Come on, you need to share”? It’s such a natural reaction, but it sends a message that the person who wants something gets to have it, no matter what.

It’s easy to think that sharing means just handing things over because it’s polite. But sharing is really about:

• Learning patience and turn-taking
• Respecting their own and others’ boundaries
• Feeling safe and in control of their own things

When adults step in and make all the decisions, it teaches kids that anyone can just demand what they want. Over time, this doesn’t build generosity—it builds frustration and sometimes shame, especially with phrases like “Don’t be selfish.”

Tip: Instead of making them give up a toy, you can say, “You can have it when I’m done.” This lets your child feel respected and gives the waiting child a lesson in patience.

Remember, sharing is learned with support and practice—not pressure.

Understanding Child Development

Empathy, Patience, And Brain Maturity

You might notice that your child finds sharing hard, especially when it comes to favourite toys. This is normal. The parts of a child’s brain that help with empathy, patience, and dealing with big feelings are still developing in early childhood.

It’s not your job to force kindness. Instead, you’re there to model it and teach it bit by bit. Offering phrases like, “You can have it when I’m done,” teaches respect and gives your child control. You can use a gentle voice to help both children practise patience and understand what it feels like to wait. These regular, simple moments at home matter most when building these skills.

When you share things yourself—maybe passing a snack or taking turns—talk about it. Say things like, “I like to share because it feels good when others let me have a turn, too.” This helps your child link kindness with choice, not with pressure.

A quick table for what helps and what doesn’t:

Why Ownership Matters To Young Children

For young children, owning things gives them a sense of control in a world that can feel big and busy. If someone grabs their toy or if they’re always told to share right away, it can feel like their needs don’t matter.

Why ownership is important:

• It helps your child feel safe
• It builds trust that their preferences are respected
• It avoids teaching your child to cling to or hide toys out of fear

Before a playdate or party, you can help by setting expectations. Try saying, “That’s your special toy, it’s okay to keep it away today if you want.” This way, your child knows what to expect and can make choices that feel right to them.

It’s all about showing your child that their boundaries matter just as much as anyone else’s. That’s what leads to real generosity—when it comes from feeling safe and respected, not from being told what to do.

Building Sharing Skills Over Time

Practising Turn Taking

Learning to take turns is a big step for kids. It’s not always easy, especially when they’re playing with something they love. I find that gently reminding your child, “It’s hard to wait, but you’ll get a turn soon,” helps them practise patience.

You can model turn taking during daily routines. For example, when you’re having a snack, say, “Now it’s your turn. I’ll wait while you have a bite.” This normalises waiting and lets your child see how it feels for everyone to have a chance.

Tips for Turn Taking

Teaching ‘When I’m Done, You Can Have It’

Letting your child say, “When I’m done, you can have it,” changes everything. It teaches respect for their own boundaries and helps the waiting child build patience.

You might say to your child, “It’s okay to finish what you’re doing. When you’re ready, let them know they can have a turn.” For the child who’s waiting, try, “I know it’s tough to wait, but they’ll let you know when they’re ready.” This approach helps both children feel seen and respected.

Key points to remember:

• Sharing should come from choice, not pressure.
• Both children are learning valuable skills—patience and boundary setting.

Setting Expectations Ahead Of Time

It’s so helpful to talk things through before a playdate or party. You could say, “This is your new toy. You don’t have to share it today if you don’t want to.” This way, your child knows what’s coming and won’t feel caught off guard.

You can also help them choose a few favourite toys to put away if they aren’t ready to share. This avoids meltdowns and helps them feel safe and in control.

Checklist Before a Playdate:

• Talk about which toys are okay to share.
• Give your child permission to keep special things just for themselves.
• Remind them it’s normal to feel protective of new or special items.

Being clear and kind in advance makes sharing much less stressful for you and your child.

Modelling Kindness And Generosity

Demonstrating Sharing In Everyday Life

Kids watch you all the time, even when you don’t realise it. When you share a snack, let someone else go first, or help out with small tasks, you show them what kindness looks like in real life. These little moments are your best teaching tools.

Try these simple ideas:

• Share your biscuit or fruit and say, “I’d like to share this with you.”
• Let your child finish their turn before you use something, saying, “You can have it when I’m done.”
• Wait your turn and talk about it: “It’s hard to wait, but I’ll get my turn soon.”

By making generous choices in your daily routine, you show that sharing doesn’t mean giving things up on demand. It’s about respect, patience, and kindness—skills that matter far beyond toys.

Using Positive Language And Narration

The way you talk to your child about sharing matters. Instead of forcing sharing or using words that shame (“Don’t be selfish”), choose positive, gentle language. Narrate what’s happening in a calm, matter-of-fact way.

Some examples:

• “You’re still playing. You can let your friend know when you’re done.”
• “Waiting is hard when you want something, but your turn will come.”
• “You’re not ready to give it up yet, and that’s okay.”

Remember:

• Narrate your own actions: “I’m happy to share with you because I’m finished.”
• Guide, don’t shame: avoid saying, “Don’t be mean.” Instead, support with empathy.

This helps kids link generosity to good feelings, not pressure, and teaches them to recognise both their boundaries and the feelings of others. It’s these gentle, everyday comments that really stick.

Respecting Emotions And Boundaries

Supporting Emotional Regulation

When your child is deep in play and someone asks for their toy, it can feel like a big moment. Young children, especially toddlers and preschoolers, are still learning how to handle these feelings of wanting to keep or share something. Their brains are still developing the parts that deal with empathy and patience.

It’s important to show your child that their feelings matter, even if they’re not ready to share right away. When you say, “You’re not ready to give it up yet, and that’s okay,” you help your child learn to handle strong emotions. You’re not rescuing them from feeling upset — you’re showing them how to face those feelings in a safe way.

Helpful things you can say:

• “It’s really hard to wait when you want something.”
• “You can have it when I’m done.”
• “Let’s take a deep breath and work it out together.”

These simple phrases support your child’s ability to manage big feelings while still respecting others.

Validating Your Child’s Feelings

It’s normal for children to feel protective of their things, especially new or special toys. Instead of insisting that your child share on demand, you can prepare them by saying things like, “This is your special new toy. It’s okay if you want to keep it away today and not share it yet.” This gives them security and shows their feelings are valid.

If your child isn’t ready to share, resist the urge to say, “Don’t be mean” or force sharing just to keep the peace. These messages can make your child feel their needs don’t matter. Instead, encourage kindness at their pace.

Use this table for validation ideas:

When you respect your child’s boundaries, you teach them that generosity grows from choice, not pressure. Your support shows your child their needs are seen and respected.

When And How To Step In

Knowing When To Hold Back

Sometimes, it’s best to just observe and let your child handle things. If everyone is safe, both physically and emotionally, you can step back. This helps your child practise the phrases and skills you’ve taught, like “When I’m done, you can have a turn.”

You might feel the urge to jump in, but trust that your child can work things out. They often surprise you when they’re given some space and tools to try.

Quick tips:

• Watch from a distance.
• Let them use words you’ve practised at home.
• Intervene only if things heat up.

Gentle Intervention During Conflict

If you see grabbing, shouting, or tears, that’s your cue to step in gently. You don’t need to fix everything or hand out punishments. Your job is to guide and coach, keeping everyone safe and calm.

You could say something like, “Looks like we need some help figuring this out. I’m going to help keep everyone safe while we work together.” Stay calm and kind. You’re showing them it’s okay to need support.

Remember:

You’re not rescuing your child from tricky feelings. You’re teaching them how to manage those feelings and move through them safely. Kids grow from these little moments with your steady support.

Helping Your Child Grow Into Generosity

Let’s be honest, teaching generosity is not simply making your child hand over a toy the moment someone asks. Generosity grows when your child feels safe, respected, and trusted with their own things. It’s not really about the toys—it’s about helping them learn kindness, patience, and empathy, all while having healthy boundaries.

What Actually Helps:

• Teach your child to say, “You can have it when I’m done.” This simple phrase gives them a sense of ownership and lets the other child know a turn will come.
• Set expectations before playdates, especially with special or new toys. You might say, “It’s okay if you want to keep this special toy away today.”
• Model generous behaviour yourself. Share snacks or take turns and explain what you’re doing: “I’m happy to share this with you because I’m finished with it.”
• Use gentle language when situations get tricky. Say things like, “You’re not ready to let go of it yet, and that’s okay. It’s hard to wait.”

Here’s a quick table to help keep it simple:

It’s easy to feel stuck in the moment at the park or during a playdate. If things stay calm, hang back and let your child practise—trust goes a long way. But if you see grabbing or tears, it’s your cue to step in gently, saying, “Looks like we need some help figuring this out.”

Remember, generosity is a skill that comes with practice—no pressure, just support and patience.